….Is it just me or did Christmas go by very quickly this time?….
I just asked my Mum this and she said she thought it had been a very long Christmas and that she had been loving all the carols on the radio since the beginning of December. But I guess that’s just it-I kind of missed most of the build up as I was so poorly for those weeks. I didn’t actually hear a carol until King’s on Christmas Eve.
So this week, on Wednesday I have to get myself back in to school mode and have to attempt to pick up the pieces where I left off, on November 11th. There is no point trying to finish off the modules I left untaught: I totally believe in new beginnings, and from experience of when this has happened to me before, I also know there is vacant time at the end of the academic year to fill with things that got missed out!
But there is something People or Doctors don’t think about or understand here. When you live with a chronic condition or a long term health problem, you often find yourself fluctuating between periods of total inactivity-in my case 6 weeks of bed rest with my recent chest problems-and a kind of flip side ‘normality’-in my case, the now having to find the energy and confidence to be back at work. I’m now not sick-I am over the lengthy infection I had in November/December, but I still do not feel anything like ‘well’ enough to be working full on, and all out.
I am suddenly realising the reason I felt ‘well’ over Christmas was because I was home, in the warm, padding around in my new Totes toasties slippers, on soft carpet, with the luxuries of flopping on the sofa for a breather, the bathroom whenever I wanted it, and of course, the luxury of rising without a morning alarm. I did a trial run of getting up at 6am today, but I’m back in bed now at 9am and still in my PJ’s!
Whilst I am somebody who functions best with routine in my life, my life’s routine for 2 months has been one of hardly getting dressed much before lunchtime and even on days when I have been ‘well’, ie recently, still needing a nap or at least a period of resting on the bed later on, and certainly, all done with the minimum of exertion. Julian has been supporting me through everything, because I’ve needed this-we have done the little daily tasks together, shopped, cleaned, visited, and all because I am still quite weak physically, and emotionally.
Tomorrow I have to see my Doctor to be signed back to work. Like I said, not ill, therefore, apparently, Fit! There is no half way house. Either I’m sick and therefore not fit for work, or I’m not sick therefore fit for work. Amen!
The trouble is, I’m only just now feeling confident enough to venture back into my life before I was sick in November. But by Wednesday I have to be fit and well enough to pick up where I left off before then.
This New Year has been a toughy for me emotionally because of it. I’m not sure I’m ready yet to pick up where I was 2 months ago, and it’s making me realise, that I might not be able to play this survival working game much longer.
Do I need to work? What would I do if I didn’t still work 3 days a week? IS there a guarantee that my health would be any better off without this pressure? (No, Don’t know, and Probably not!)
So, it’s roll on Wednesday for me here. Yes I am looking forward to it-to my old life, to my pupils and to seeing my lovely colleagues again.
….But I think I’m going to struggle to keep my head above water for a while yet. Please bear with me….